Like I'm Going To Lose You
by CryingOverMockingjay
Summary: "She doesn't know why this man, his hair golden like the sun that shines into her tiny room each morning and eyes as blue as the painting of the ocean in the common area, keeps coming to see her." ((Modern Day AU, Triggers listed inside))
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome, welcome! **

**Ah a new day, a new story. Today I present a modern day AU, everlark (like it could be anything else) with a little bit of sad. Ok more than a lil sad, a lot of sad here. You've been warned. Thank you for reading, and please be mindful of the triggers below. **

**TW: Depression-Mental Illness- Hospitals- Self injury- ((No others at this time))**

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She doesn't know why this man, his hair golden like the sun that shines into her tiny room each morning and eyes as blue as the painting of the ocean in the common area, keeps coming to see her. The nurses, in their pastel colored scrubs that always smell like antibacterial soap seem happy when they tell her _Peeta_ is here.

Honestly she doesn't know who he is. Probably would yell and scream at him until he finally left her alone if not for the fact that _Peeta _brings cheese buns everyday, of course. The fluffy bread and cheese kind of making up for having him stare at her with those sad eyes the whole time. Like something's repeatedly hitting his heart with a hammer.

So she eats the cheese buns, he sits, and together they spent their evenings in the visiting room at Capitol Mental Health Facility.

Every time he comes, there's a conversation planned out in his head as he walks in with the Mellark bakery bag that's steaming hot with his freshly baked gift for her. But when he sees Katniss sitting alone in a corner, her head in between her knees cause the nurses tell _sometimes the headaches get to be too much. _And she refuses to swallow the pills, because Katniss always hated pills.

Peeta can still see his Katniss in the shell of a girl left, the shell so fragile that she's kept locked up in this place for an undetermined amount of time because she may break. He's never seen Katniss break, but just the thought of it makes his heart drop.

So Peeta comes every night with cheese buns, slides them over the table to her and doesn't talk. It's not what he wants. He wants to take her to dinner at some fancy place downtown, go to the movies, cook together in his little crap apartment. But Peeta takes this, because this is the best he can get. Broken Katniss is better than no Katniss.

Katniss can't remember anything before this place, she knows at one point she wasn't here and was a child. But it's fuzzy, like a thick fog is covering any memory before this place like a blanket. Although sometimes she'll see something that'll make everything blurry, her head feels light, and then she feels sick and suddenly she's on the ground and can't control herself. After that's everything goes black like she's sleeping.

There's always a nurse when Katniss wakes up in her room, watching her. Sometimes the nicer ones will sit with her until she can feel everything again, wait until Katniss can remember how to speak before checking on someone else. But the others, usually the younger ones, will run off soon after she opens her eyes. Letting her make sense of everything by herself.

He decides to bring something sweet that day too, because Peeta's pretty sure the new Katniss will like his pastries as much as old Katniss did. He spends hours making them two goat cheese and apple tarts, cause it was her favorite. Flaky dough, baked apples, a layer of creamy goat cheese and all topped off with a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Peeta's actually nervous as the security scans he at the entrance. The officers check the bakery bag, like always. "Looks delicious," One of them comments and jokes, "Where's ours?"

"Tomorrow I'll bring you guys something." He tells them, "Sugar cookies?"

At their nod he walks into the facility, greeting all the nurses by name. How long has he been coming here again? Two years? That sounds right. At least now she's up, not lying lifeless in her room. Mrs. Everdeen had been considering to pull the plug the week before she woke up.

Thank God that woman is so withdrawn.

(Peeta's POV)

Katniss is sitting in the corner again. She's holding her head in her hands too, a bad sign. But a nurse in a pale pink uniform takes one of her arms lightly, leaning in to whisper something. At the nurses words Katniss's eyes move up and meet mine across the room. The smoke colored orbs don't stay on mine for long, the bakery bag drawing her attention more.

"She refused to eat today." A nurse says, making me jump. She's standing next to me, and looking at Katniss as she moves to the visiting tables. I bid the nurse goodbye before meeting Katniss at the table.

"Hi." I say while sitting down. It's stupid but I make sure to wear one of the flannel shirts she got me for our last Christmas when I visit. Her vision hones in on the bag in my hand, expectantly waiting for me to give it over. "Uh," I clear my throat, "I brought something different today."

Katniss tilts her head, still ever so quiet as I pull the tarts out. Once both of them are placed on the table she reaches for one hesitantly. "I hope you like it." I smile and take a bite of mine. Katniss's eyes flutter shut as she sinks her teeth into the pastry, a moan slipping from her lips as it melts on her tongue. "Good?" I ask hopefully.

She nods, the most I've gotten out her since these visits started and instantly I start rambling nervously, "I thought it would be a nice chance, since you probably don't get stuff like this here. I mean, the foods great, but nothing beats bakery fresh, you know?"

Another bite, Katniss nearly inhales the rest of her tart. Happily I hand her one more, glad I packed extra, before finishing mine. We're eating in _comfortable _silence for once, although this feels like our first date all over again. I look up to see her peeling the flaky crust bake and examining the treat.

"Baked apples and goat cheese." I explain, instantly regretting when the scowl falls from her face, color draining from it like water. "Katniss?" I hesitantly question, "Are you OK?"

She vomits right there on the table.

The nurses rush over, but not before she falls over to the side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! I hope you all like the new chapter, the reason I started this story was to practice switching point of view, sorry if it's annoying, I tried my best. Also thanks for the reviews! I love reading them.**

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(Katniss's POV)

I register how swollen my tongue is, making it hard to swallow as I try to open my eyes. What happened? My head hurts, why can't I feel my hands? Someone's talking, are they underwater? Why is everything black? Oh, my eyes are closed. I can't open them.

"This one was pretty bad." A female voice whispers, "She'd been feeling bad all day, it was unavoidable. Don't blame yourself Mr. Mellark." I don't know who this Mellark is, but I hear him sigh and find it in myself to open my left eye. The nurse is there, her pale pink scrubs seem too bright like the rest of the room. A look around tells me I'm here again, in the bad room.

The doctors don't like when I'm sent here, I hear them argue in the hallway outside.

"Good morning." The nurse says sweetly, my vision is too blurry to read her name tag, "How do you feel?"

She must be new. Everyone knows I can't talk for a while in the bad room, at least most of the nurses and doctors do. "Katniss?" A man questions, that must be Mellark. His voice is lower when I hear him ask, "Is she awake?"

"Yes." The nurse answers, "But it'll take a while for her speech to come back. I have a few more patients to check on, feel free to sit with here, Peeta." Peeta? I know Peeta. My head hurts thinking about him, Peeta brings cheese buns, I like cheese buns. The nurse leaves and the door clicks closed softly.

I try to ask what happened, try to find out why the nurse left. I don't like when they leave, every beep of the machines feels too loud, too close. I can't feel it, but the bed's propped up enough to let me see the man at my bedside hold my hand in his own. It's weird, not knowing how to hold his back, because for a second all I want to do is hold his hand as tight as he'll allow, the thought brings on a sharp pain in my head.

I must wince because _Peeta _asks, "Are you OK?"

_I think so_, I say, although it comes out a jumbled mess.

Peeta isn't bothered though, he simply nods as if he understands, as if I'm a small child in need of comfort. I kind of am, needy and helpless, always ending up in this brightly lit room. My regular visitor is the only one that comes and visits me, and suddenly, even though thinking about it makes my head pound, I think about the fact I've never seen my mother, my friends from the time I can remember before this place.

Peeta sits there, a torn expression between sadness and worry when I ask as best I can, "W-w-where's my m-other?"

He doesn't answer me, just continues to hold my hand as if it's keeping him tied down, I try again, "W-why isn't my mom h-here?"

(Peeta's POV)

_Her mother?_ How am I going to explain that to her, should I even try? She had a seizure from goat cheese, how's Katniss going to handle knowing why her mother doesn't come around. _Your only living relative doesn't come say hello cause she's busy visiting her dead husband and daughter's graves instead, also she's blames the accident on you. _I'm not breaking that news to her.

"Your mom's out of state right now," I choose instead, "Working at a children's hospital on the coast."

Katniss eyes light up, "She loves medicine," Her face falls, "She's not coming?"

"Not yet," I lie in hopes of convincing the older woman later.

_A way of coping with death_, the doctors told me, _erasing memories. _It's not total memory loss, Katniss can remember everything before Prim was born. Her mother and father, her best friend Gale who nobody can find, even the angry cat she always told me about, Buttercup. Katniss sat down with the doctors told them all she knows, and they've figure out the blank starts at 10 years old. 13 years just gone. Disappeared.

Our life together gone.

Her baby sister, gone.

I'm gone, she only knows me as a visitor. All those dates, flowers, kisses and touches vanished. We've shared deep secrets, and she can't even remember my last name. It's weird, watching your girlfriend examine you like a stranger.

I realize that as I've been lost in thought Katniss has drifted off, her mouth open slightly, eyes fluttering beneath her eyelids. I use to see her like this every night, let her soft snores lull me to sleep, wake up to her making coffee and burning pancakes on a Sunday morning, and come home to Katniss with a hot, greasy pizza on a weeknight after staying late at the bakery. Her singing in the shower as I got dressed in the morning, and her sweet smelling soaps and girl things in the bathroom.

I miss it all, and Katniss can't even remember it to miss what we had.

I won't give up though, even if she'll never get that back. I love Katniss too much, but now I need to convince her mother to have lunch with us.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you all like this chapter (I don't).**

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"I can't."

"She's your daughter."

A deep sigh on the other end of the phone line tells me is getting annoyed with me. The feeling is mutual. "Peeta, I can't come see her. The hospital is very busy and I don't have an vacation time-"

"You live down the road from your daughter and you can't visit her after work?" I accuse, "Katniss is asking for you. I know she doesn't know who I am, but you can help her now more than I can. Who knows how scared she is when the only visitor she gets is a stranger?"

"I just can't do it." She states. End of story. That's how these calls go.

"Well," I look at the cup of hot chocolate in front of me, the steam rising off it steadily as I continue, "Then I want power of attorney." Mrs. Everdeen begins to protest but I cut her off, "If you want to lock her away in a mental hospital and go on living your live like she never existed, I think I could take better care of her."

The silence stretches on until a soft click tells me she's hung up.

The next day Katniss is out of the cramped hospital room, sitting in one of the awfully colored green arm chairs that face out toward the giant window that overviews the rest of the facility grounds. The courtyard is full of other patients milling around, lounging on beaches outside as they talk to themselves or their nurses. As I walk over to her I can't help but feel guilty, she shouldn't be in here.

"Good afternoon," I greet cheerfully as I set the Mellark Bakery bag down in her lap.

Katniss doesn't answer, simply opens the top of the warm bag to peer inside. Three cheese buns, baked fresh right before I got here. Although today's different, instead of digging into her lunch, Katniss tentatively looks over her shoulder before asking, "Is my mother coming soon?"

"Oh, yeah... About that." I scratch the back of my neck nervously, "She's not exactly available right now."

"She's never available." Katniss spits out angrily, and for a second I see it, the old Katniss break out of her as she continues, "She wasn't available to come visit last week, or the week before that." She breathes deeply as her voice rises, "I'm starting to think she doesn't want to see me!"

Nurses start to close in as Katniss stands up and I try to calm her down, "Wait! Wait..."

"No!" She yells, holding her head in her hands. The nurses find this to be enough though, two male ones grabbing either of Katniss's arms which she protests, then a tiny, older woman injecting something into her left one. I'm standing now too, worriedly asking, "What did you do?"

"Sedative." The woman answers, letting one of the men carry Katniss back to I'm guessing her room, "Sometimes the patients get a little excited and need a little help calming down."

"You just put them to sleep?" I think of old Katniss and remember how she hated sleeping aids because they trapped her in nightmares from her father's death, "I need to go be with her." Without another word I attempt to brush pass the woman but she holds one hand up to stop me.

"No. No visitors in the private patient rooms."

"Why?"

"Rules are rules." She glares at me before continuing to check on patients. I don't get the name on her name tag in time, but I'm sure I've never seen her before. Dread fills my stomach and I can't shake it away. Why don't I feel right about leaving Katniss in the care of these people?

..

The light of my dell laptop is too bright in the dark, quiet guest bedroom. I haven't been able to sleep in me and Katniss's since everything happened, too many memories haunt that room now. Luckily, our apartment has two bedrooms, one which we had already set up a bed for guests. It's fitting. I really don't feel at home here anymore.

Capitol Memorial Health Facility, reads the top of the screen, white cursive text against a black banner. Continuing I read the about us page for the hundredth time since Katniss has been there.

"CMHF is located on five beautifully kept acres of land, with two gardens and one pond (with waterfall!) for patients to enjoy. Just off of Panem Road, the Capitol is a prime choice for many families who cannot take care of their loved ones." It continues for ten paragraphs, listing every feature from the 200 plus private rooms to the Olympic sized indoor swimming pool.

At the bottom is the neatly placed signature of the facility's founder. A doctor's who has locked himself away after years of groundbreaking research.

Doctor Coriolanus Snow, Founder.

The picture accompanying it is of him sitting with a little girl on his lap, a single white rose in his suit pocket and a neatly trimmed snow-white beard. Taking a deep breath, I copy his name and paste it in the search bar, hitting enter quickly and letting Google do it's magic.

"Doctor Snow credited with breakthrough treatment."

"Doctor Snow donates four million to children's hospital."

The list goes on until I hit page 3, where I pale at the sight of the link.

"Doctor Snow Under investigations for harmful testing on patients at CMHF."

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